Squirrel Diversity

One of the first things I noticed upon moving to Minneapolis was the diversity--among the Squirrel population. There are gray Squirrels here, and black Squirrels and even several white (albino) Squirrels. My hometown of Sioux Falls, SD (squirrel town, South Dakota, we call it), has only brown Squirrels, as far as I can tell. That's one of the nice things about larger cities, generally speaking--they have a much more integrated population of varying races of Squirrel.

I sort of invited a real fat one over for Christmas dinner and dressed him in a little Santa outfit. My family lives in Sioux Falls, and they don't visit much for whatever reason, so I get a little lonely up here. So, we sat down for some Christmas dinner--this Santa Squirrel and I--and I had some turkey, fixed us a couple rum and ciders and I didn't really have any walnuts or anything, and Squirrels don't eat meat. So this fella didn't want any turkey, which was sort of rude. I don't know if the general population is aware of that, but Squirrels don't generally hunt anything--they forage. Which is something I'm working on with the NUTS (National Unification of Team Squirrel) foundation--our grassroots campaign headquartered here in Minneapolis...actually headquartered in my living room...and I've been having trouble with attendance. Squirrels aren't very reliable--I don't know if the general population knows that.

We're trying to get them to be a little more aggressive, rather than just looking for stuff and taking whatever they find, you know--that's not good politics for anyone. For now I just sort of lure them into the meetings with a trail of peanuts or sunflower seeds or whatever.

Anyway, so I fixed this Santa Squirrel a plate of Peanut Butter...and that didn't turn out so well...his beard got all gummed-up and he kept scratching at himself, you know how Squirrels do that, especially ones in Santa suits. But it was like he had OCD or something, like a hummingbird and this peanut butter was getting all over the suit and his fur...his table manners left a little to be desired to say the least...and this was before he got a good taste of the rum...things really went down hill from there and I sort of had to ask him to leave, because he was offending me.